There’s a scene in Season 3 of the CBC show Workin’ Moms where PR executive Kate’s lawyer husband Nathan agrees to shift his schedule to take care of their toddler son while Kate flies to another city to make a last-minute pitch to a client. The trade-off, Nathan tells Kate, is that she has to take care of the child’s costume for the preschool Halloween recital, which Nathan had previously agreed to handle. Discussing all this on the phone, Nathan says to Kate, “You’re not going to buy him one of those costumes-in-a-bag, are you?” To which Kate responds, somewhat tongue-in-cheek, “What kind of mother do you think I am?” She ends up trying to fashion a costume from a hotel pillowcase and toilet paper rolls in the wee morning hours before catching her flight back home. She arrives at the recital late and interrupts the event to run across the stage and place the ridiculous-looking costume over the head of her son, who is already sitting on the stage among his creatively costumed peers.

Workin’ Moms does a pretty good job of challenging conventional gender roles and expectations in parenting, probably because it’s written entirely by women. Unfortunately, in the real world, the gendered expectations persist. This week, I saw a sponsored post on Facebook from mom-blog Scary Mommy, which generally tries to present itself as progressive and real. The post contained a picture of a child in a ghost costume that was basically a sheet with holes cut into it for eyes. The caption read, “You can always spot the mom who had no time for Halloween.” (Or something to that effect — I tried to locate the post and screenshot it, but it appears to have been removed from Scary Mommy’s Facebook page.) It was an ad for children’s clothing company Primary that linked to instructions on how to make costumes out of simple supplies and Primary clothes.

That ad perfectly illustrates what so many people still believe: that tasks like preparing Halloween costumes fall solely to mothers, and that the quality of a child’s costume, like their outfits, grooming, and so many other things, is a reflection of the mother’s dedication and worth.

I bought my 20-month-old son an adorable pre-made giraffe costume to wear this Halloween. I picked it up at a children’s consignment shop about two months ago when I stopped by on my lunch hour to get him some shoes that would accommodate his rapidly growing feet. It was cute, it was his size, he likes animals and giraffes in particular, and I knew that if I bought it then, I wouldn’t have to think about Halloween again for the next two months. Done.

Could I have spent hours scouring Pinterest for creative costume ideas, buying craft supplies, and making a homemade costume for him instead? Sure, but why would I do that? I assure you that he does not care one bit that his costume is store bought. I am not a particularly crafty person, and making homemade Halloween costumes is not the best use of my time or talents. The fact that I bought him a pre-made costume doesn’t mean I care any less. It just means I’m practical and efficient.

I can also assure you that if I hadn’t bought him that costume, he wouldn’t be wearing a costume at all, or at least not a decent-looking one. My husband would never think to plan ahead and buy him a Halloween costume. He literally doesn’t even know when trick-or-treating takes place in our neighborhood. He does not care one bit about such things. Like most of the mental load of parenting, planning for Halloween falls squarely on my shoulders. My husband is happy to help with such things if I delegate specific tasks to him, but knowing and remembering that there is anything to be delegated in the first place is all on me. If I want my kid to participate in the cultural tradition of Halloween or pretty much any other tradition, I have to make sure it happens. I’m over generalizing here, but in my experience, men tend not to value such things very highly. Women, on the other hand, not only tend to see it as our job to create the magic for our children, but also judge each other for not doing it “right.”

Halloween is hard enough for working parents without the expectation that moms should make their kids’ costumes. On Halloween this year, I’ll be out of the home from about 7:30 AM until about 6:15 PM, as I am most workdays. I’ll be in court all day for a civil jury trial. I’ll be giving a lunchtime continuing education presentation that I’ve been preparing for some time (I did not get to decide the date). Depending on when the trial finishes, I may need to work late. When I leave work, I’ll pick up my son from daycare and will arrive home after trick-or-treating has already begun. I’ll prepare dinner for us and feed him before getting him into his costume. It will be a miracle if we make it out the door by 7:30. Hopefully we’ll manage to visit at least a few houses before our neighbors start turning out their lights for the evening. And no, I will not be wearing a costume myself, because who has the time and energy for that? (Apparently many communities do trick-or-treating on a Saturday every year rather than on October 31 when it falls during the week. I am all for that.)

I have plenty of admiration for moms who make their kids’ costumes. Some of them are really creative. Last year, a friend lent us a costume she had made for her daughter a few years ago when she was a baby. It was a very cute stink bug costume with the words “Little Stinker” embroidered on the butt. How clever is that? I’m grateful to my crafty, skilled friend for sharing the costume with us, and I know she derived great joy from making it. That’s awesome.

But if you’re handing out candy next week and see a kid in a costume-in-a-bag with a mom who isn’t dressed up, don’t judge her. Being a mom is hard, and in the grand scheme of things, Halloween is really not that important, y’all. Maybe that kid’s mom was off saving lives all day and didn’t have time to make a costume, or maybe she just decided that it wasn’t a priority for her, that her child wouldn’t care either way, and that she doesn’t need to live up to other people’s expectations. Wouldn’t that be a good lesson to teach our kids on this holiday?

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