I’m convinced that a significant amount of the stress in my life comes from assuming I know what other people are thinking.  Case in point: after being away on vacation, my yard was a mess this week.  The grass was overgrown and there were weeds everywhere.  It finally got mowed Saturday afternoon, but every time I saw it this week, I felt anxious and guilty.  I feel this way every time the yard becomes overgrown, and it has nothing to do with the grass.  If I lived on some remote parcel of land far from any other houses, I wouldn’t give it a second thought.  I care because I don’t want my neighbors to think poorly of me.  I assume that they are judging me every time they drive by my house or look out their windows.

Now, has anyone ever actually commented on the state of my lawn?  No (unless you count the time that a neighbor paid his lawn guy to mow mine too, but I’m choosing to view that as a nice gesture rather than passive aggression).  Is it likely that my neighbors have far more pressing and important things to worry about that how long my grass is?  I sure hope so.  Nevertheless, I tend to assume they are thinking that I’m…what…lazy?  An inadequate homemaker?

I’m no psychologist, but I think this is a form of what’s known as projection.  It happens in interpersonal relationships of all kinds.  I’m critical of myself, so I assume others must be critical of me too.  I’ve seen it in friends who are job-hunting, in work interactions, friendships, and especially in romantic relationships (particularly new ones).  We believe others see us the way we see ourselves, even when we aren’t conscious of the self-referential beliefs we are projecting.

This kind of thought pattern can really mess with our heads and our interactions.  We can end up destroying relationships over perceived slights that aren’t even real.  This tendency to guess that others think the worst of us is a manifestation of an inner critic gone wild, and it’s an example of how our minds often deceive us.

Meditation is a powerful tool in fighting the inner critic.  If that’s not your thing, it helps to just take a second and question the assumptions you’re making about other people.  Before thinking that someone is mad at you or doesn’t like you, ask yourself: are there any objective facts leading to that conclusion?  Has the person told me they feel that way?  Or am I just projecting my own insecurities onto them?

The reality is that people don’t think about us as much as we assume they do.  In fact, Forbes recently reported on a study finding that in general, people tend to like us more than we think.  That’s reassuring, right?  It’s certainly in line with my experience: when I’ve voiced my perceived shortcomings to others, they’ve almost always responded that they don’t see things that way at all.  So we would all do well to get out of our own heads and stop trying to read peoples’ minds—it isn’t doing us any good.

Let’s all relax and assume that others are instead seeing the best in us, and while we’re at it, let’s work to see the best in them too.  It’ll make us all a lot happier.  Have a great week!

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