As I write this, my household is once again in quarantine because my son was exposed to COVID at daycare. When I got the news on Friday, a sense of dread came over me as I anticipated what the coming week would look like, working from home with a one year old and a three year old.
Let me pause for a moment to count my blessings. We are incredibly lucky that none of us have had COVID so far. No one close to me has gotten sick or died. Thanks to responsible pandemic precautions, our daycare has had relatively few cases, so we have not had nearly as many periods of quarantine as some families have had. My employer has allowed for teleworking and emergency excused pandemic-related leave, and I am not terribly busy at work right now,. My husband runs his own business, which affords him a good bit of flexibility. When I remind myself of these things, I acknowledge that the situation could be so much worse. In addition, my daughter is on the brink of walking, so perhaps being home with her this week will allow me to witness her first steps when I might otherwise have missed them.
Despite all of these positives, the last year and a half has been tough. Even when quarantine isn’t part of the equation, working full time and spending my time away from the office caring for two little ones who constantly need me can be really draining, especially when they aren’t sleeping well. To survive 2020 and 2021 with my sanity in tact, I’ve had to do a lot of work on my mindset. It’s a continuous process of observing my inner voice, cross-examining it, and reframing my internal narrative.
As I’ve written before, one of my 2020 New Year’s resolutions was to meditate each day. If I’m honest, the practice is more daily-ish right now, but I’m happy to report that I still meditate nearly every day. The specifics of my practice have changed over time. I went through a period where I was using guided meditations on the Ten Percent Happier app. Then at some point, I decided that what I needed was quiet, uninterrupted time to observe my mind. I still use the app, but I just use it for the unguided timer now. (The app provides some added motivation and gamification by tracking my meditation sessions and providing congratulations when I meditate for so many days in a row, weeks in a row, etc.)
I only meditate for 5-10 minutes per day. Any more would feel like too much of a chore right now, and I don’t want meditation to become another thing I have to fit into my schedule. I usually meditate in the evening before bed, but lately I have occasionally done it during the day when I felt like I needed a mental re-set.
When I sit to meditate, I first mentally list 3-5 things for which I am grateful. This practice calms me, boosts my mood, and puts me in a good state of mind for meditating. Then I silently pose the question, “What do I need to know right now?” Alternatively, I’ve begun asking, “What else is possible?” (I didn’t come up with these myself; I borrowed them from Louise Hay and Davina Frederick, respectively.) I find that these prompts open my mind to insights. Sometimes, the entire meditation session is just me observing the anxious chatter in my monkey mind. On occasion, though, I have meaningful lightbulb moments.
A few months ago, I had a particularly memorable meditation session. After asking, “What do I need to know right now?” I closed my eyes and began to focus on my breath. A challenging interpersonal situation popped into my mind — a conflict that had gone unresolved for probably two years that kept nagging at me. As I visualized this person, I thought the words, “I release this.” I felt a physical and emotional release as I exhaled, tears came to my eyes, and my body relaxed. Then another troublesome scene from my past appeared in my mental consciousness. Again, I said to myself, “I release this,” and the vision disappeared. It was immediately replaced by another memory. One by one, difficult memories appeared — conversations I’d replayed over and over, past acts about which I felt guilty, failures and missteps for which I’d berated myself. One by one, I released them. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I felt lighter. I went to bed at peace and fell asleep immediately.
That experience made me realize just how hard on myself I can be, and how holding onto things can really weigh me down. As I become more aware of my internal dialogue and unhelpful self-talk, I try to counteract it with more gentle, loving statements. Some days before I meditate, I recount to myself the things I did well that day. I remind myself that I am good enough and that tomorrow is another day.
Meditation isn’t the only way I’ve been working on my mindset. I’ve drastically reduced my consumption of news and social media. I used to pride myself on being informed about current events, but I’ve come to realize that constantly hearing and reading about all the hurt and devastation in the world and negative predictions and events that are out of my control just is not helpful to me on a personal level. Some might consider this to be a willfully ignorant, head-in-the-sand approach that is dripping with privilege, and maybe it is, but I really feel it’s best for my mental health. The reality is that if something really big and noteworthy happens, I’m bound to find out about it anyway. I don’t need to bombard myself with a steady stream of bad news.
I try instead to fill my mind with more positive, uplifting influences. I listen to motivational podcasts and insightful audiobooks. Right now, I’m listening to The Three Questions by Don Miguel Ruiz and Barbara Emrys. It is superb. The concepts discussed in it are not entirely new to me, but they’re conveyed in a really compelling, easy-to-follow way. If you are at all interested in meditation, philosophy, or thought work, I recommend this book. The title refers to the questions (1) Who am I? (2) What is real? and (3) How do I express love? (You may recognize Ruiz as the author of the bestseller The Four Agreements, which I have not yet read, but it’s on my list.) I’m also re-reading The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks, another profound and eye-opening read. On a meta level, both of these books drive home the concept that our unexamined minds have a way of holding us back, and life is truly what we make it.
So as I embark on this week of upset routines, I’ll be reminding myself that every day, in every moment, I always have a choice. Every day is a new chance to be the person I want to be and to create the life I want to live. I’ll be striving to show up for my kids as a calm and nurturing parent, to be present for my husband as a loving and understanding wife, to focus on my work to the best of my ability, to be kind to myself, and to find the joy in each experience. Because for all its challenges, this is my life, and it’s the only one I’ve got.
May you have a wonderful week,
Alexis