I’ve been taking a summer hiatus from blogging, but I had to return today because it’s my birthday! I’ve now spent a full 37 years on this planet. I say this every year, but it remains true: I can’t believe I’m that old. Wasn’t I just 17?
I typed this list into my phone early one morning while I was laying in bed and had a moment of clarity. It was 7:14 AM on Monday, January 16, 2017, Martin Luther King Day, before I was a mother and almost exactly a week after I started this blog. I don’t recall exactly, but I think I was writing this list as a guide for myself, based on lessons I’d learned but of which I sometimes needed reminding. It wasn’t well thought-out and I haven’t edited it, but I think it contains some gems of wisdom that are worth sharing, even if I don’t always follow all of these suggestions myself. You’ll probably notice themes that have appeared in other posts I’ve written.
How to Love your Life:
Be grateful for what you have
Get comfortable in your own skin; appreciate what your body does for you and realize that there’s no such thing as perfect
Forgive yourself for your past decisions and actions; understand that things you did and said in your youth were influenced by childhood experiences
Remember that this is the only life you get and it can end at any moment
Go to therapy. If you aren’t already living a life you love, you can probably benefit from talking to a therapist. There are likely things holding you back that you don’t realize. A therapist can help you see them and work through them.
Do something to benefit others
Make time for your hobbies. If you don’t currently have a hobby, think about what you loved doing when you were younger, or try something new.
Try something new. Variety, adventure.
Realize that your reactions to other people often say more about you than about them. When someone frustrates you, angers you, or annoys you, ask yourself why. Are your reactions valid? Are they based on objective truths? Does your response benefit anyone, or will it only make you and others feel worse?
To this I would add: If you aren’t living a life you love right now, make a change. It could be a big, scary change that will really shake things up, but even a small change will do. Just don’t allow yourself to stay stuck for too long. Your time here is limited, and really, what’s the worst that could happen if pursue the most amazing life you can imagine for yourself?
“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask “What if I fall?”
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”
― Erin Hanson
Thanks, as always, for reading. If you enjoyed this post, please share.
If you have children, are thinking of having children, or are at an age where many of your friends have young kids, you are probably bombarded with articles and essays about how difficult parenting is and the toll it takes on parents (especially mothers). News organizations and niche websites are constantly reminding us of how much sleep we lose and how much stress we’re under (while simultaneously piling on heaps of parenting advice, continually reminding us of all the things we should be doing). And it’s true — being responsible for keeping a mostly helpless developing human alive and engaged can be challenging. For example, I spent a substantial part of this past Sunday night listening to my one-year-old uncharacteristically screaming and crying for no discernible reason while I tried unsuccessfully to console him, which made Monday morning even more of a struggle than normal. (The same scene played again on Monday night, so Tuesday was pretty rough too.) Sleep and relaxation are cherished luxuries these days, and I’m carrying the mental load of having to plan and remember a lot more stuff than I once did.
I think there’s a danger, though, in focusing too much on the burdens of raising young kids. Most of us have children because we wanted to have children. Parents are fond of telling expectant parents that they have no idea what they’re in for (“You think you’re tired NOW? Just wait!”), and that may be true to an extent, but it applies just as much to the positives as to the negatives. I’ve heard many a parent say that they never knew they could love someone so fully until they had a child. To counter the rampant complaining about parenting woes circulating the internet, I’d like to take a few minutes to reflect on the ways in which my son has enriched my life and helped me to grow.
Read more
A few days ago, I stumbled across a New York Times article from last year called The Birth of a Mother. The piece discusses matrescence — the transition into motherhood — and some of the common emotional challenges experienced by new mothers. I could relate to much of what was in the article, particularly the part about ambivalence.
In my experience, few new mothers talk about these things openly. Our society tends to focus far more on the baby than the mother, and once birth has occurred, we expect mothers (and fathers) to be themselves again in no time. Many women internalize these unrealistic expectations, and they hide the disappointment they inevitably feel because they believe they are supposed to be feeling pure joy.
“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
—Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum
