The latest episode of The Psychology Podcast is an interview of psychologist Ellen Hendriksen, author of the new book How to Be Yourself.  Hendriksen is an expert on social anxiety, and I found the conversation fascinating.  The topic goes hand-in-hand with the spotlight effect, which I briefly touched upon in this post and have been meaning to discuss in greater depth.

I don’t tend to think of myself as a socially anxious person, but I saw myself in some of the things Hendricksen said.  Social anxiety doesn’t always rise to the level of panic attacks or social paralysis.  Hendriksen offers the following definition: “Social anxiety is a perception that there is something embarrassing or deficient about us and that unless we work hard to conceal or hide it, it will be revealed and then we’ll be judged or rejected as a result.”  I can certainly relate to that feeling.  In an interview in the Guardian, Hendriksen went on to say:

For instance, we might have the perception that we are boring, awkward or have nothing to say, or any one of a million perceived flaws. We might avoid parties for these reasons, but we might also avoid them covertly by going to the party and only talking to the friend we arrived with, by scrolling through our smartphones or standing on the edge of groups.

In the podcast interview, Hendriksen explained that perfectionism is a driver of social anxiety, which makes sense to me.  People don’t expect us to be perfect in our social interactions, and the little mistakes we dwell on aren’t nearly as big of a deal as we think they are.  In Hendriksen’s words, they make us human.  The things we perceive in ourselves as flaws are often things that no one else really cares about.

This is where I see an overlap with the spotlight effect, which is the idea that we pay a lot more attention to ourselves than anyone else is paying to us.  Learning about the spotlight effect really put things in perspective for me and allowed me to be a little less hard on myself.  That embarrassing moment I’ve relived in my head probably made no impression at all to the other people who witnessed it.  The pimple on my chin that seems so obvious to me might not even be noticed by anyone else.  Understanding this frees us up to be ourselves in social settings.

I’ve seen how an inwardly focused, self-critical mindset can prevent us from living in the present and enjoying life, both in myself and in my friends.  As anyone who practices meditation or struggles with mental health will tell you, our brains often lie to us.  Life is much more enjoyable when we’re focused on external experiences and others rather than on performing or hiding what we think is wrong with us.

Hendriksen offers a few useful tips for overcoming social anxiety.  She suggests consciously trying to cultivate an outward focus, paying more attention to what is happening around you and taking an interest in what another person is saying rather than being so focused on our own flaws.  Many may find that easier said than done, but some level of comfort probably comes with experience.  Hendriksen advises us not to wait to socialize until we feel more confident, but rather to live our lives now and understand that the confidence will follow as we realize that events that seemed intimidating were enjoyable and didn’t bring the awful consequences we might have imagined.

She also cautions us not to give our coping mechanisms the credit.  If we drink alcohol to loosen up and then we have a good time, we have a tendency to credit the alcohol.  In fact, she says, the alcohol just lowered the inhibitions that were holding us back.  We can be the same fun-loving, open version of ourselves without the alcohol by applying healthier strategies.

I’d add a piece of my own advice: run your self-perceptions by a friend.  You might be surprised at how you come across to someone else.  One of my friends helped me with this recently.  I was complaining about something I’ve been struggling with, and she responded by telling me that she didn’t see it as a problem at all.  On several occasions, hearing how others perceive me has helped me to shift my self-image for the better.

One tidbit from the conversation with Hendricksen that I found interesting is that is takes 6-8 conversations with someone before they consider you a friend.  This underscores the importance of continuing to show up.  Don’t beat yourself up over one awkward conversation and then assume the other person isn’t reaching out to you because they don’t like you.  If you want to make friends, keep showing up, share things about yourself, and be kind.  That’s really all it takes.

Do you struggle with social anxiety?  How has it affected your life, and what if anything have you done to overcome it?  If you’ve read Hendricksen’s book How to Be Yourself, let us know what you thought of it.  

As I was writing this, an email on the topic appeared in my inbox from the Career Contessa.  I’m sharing the essay here for further reading.

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