If you have children, are thinking of having children, or are at an age where many of your friends have young kids, you are probably bombarded with articles and essays about how difficult parenting is and the toll it takes on parents (especially mothers). News organizations and niche websites are constantly reminding us of how much sleep we lose and how much stress we’re under (while simultaneously piling on heaps of parenting advice, continually reminding us of all the things we should be doing). And it’s true — being responsible for keeping a mostly helpless developing human alive and engaged can be challenging. For example, I spent a substantial part of this past Sunday night listening to my one-year-old uncharacteristically screaming and crying for no discernible reason while I tried unsuccessfully to console him, which made Monday morning even more of a struggle than normal. (The same scene played again on Monday night, so Tuesday was pretty rough too.) Sleep and relaxation are cherished luxuries these days, and I’m carrying the mental load of having to plan and remember a lot more stuff than I once did.

I think there’s a danger, though, in focusing too much on the burdens of raising young kids. Most of us have children because we wanted to have children. Parents are fond of telling expectant parents that they have no idea what they’re in for (“You think you’re tired NOW? Just wait!”), and that may be true to an extent, but it applies just as much to the positives as to the negatives. I’ve heard many a parent say that they never knew they could love someone so fully until they had a child. To counter the rampant complaining about parenting woes circulating the internet, I’d like to take a few minutes to reflect on the ways in which my son has enriched my life and helped me to grow.

First, there’s the contagious joy that he spreads to me and everyone else around him. It’s nearly impossible for me to be anything other than happy and present when he’s looking at me and smiling or laughing. Picking him up from daycare is my favorite part of the day — he is consistently so excited to see me. Every afternoon when he sees me, he drops what he’s doing and runs to me with a huge grin on his face. It fills me with joy and melts my heart every time. And watching him learn and delightedly explore the world around him helps me to see my own surroundings with new eyes.

But anyone who’s spent any amount of time around babies or toddlers knows that they aren’t happy 100% of the time. When he cries, I realize just how much he has opened my heart. He’s made me so much more patient and empathetic than I used to be. When he’s upset, 99% of the time I’m not feeling annoyed or thinking about how it’s affecting me; all I want is to console him. In the past, I’ve at times considered myself to be a pretty selfish person, and now I’m regularly putting someone else’s needs and feelings first without even thinking twice about it. I have my son to thank for that growth.

He also causes me to be more self-aware, and he’s helping me to break some bad habits. I try hard not to look at my phone when I’m with him, for several reasons. I want to give him my full attention and completely soak up the time I have with him. I’ve also read about the dangers of distracted parenting. In addition, I know that he’s learning from me and will not only imitate me, but will also internalize things he hears me say. So I am more carefully with the words I use and the way I talk about things. I focus on making sure that the things I say and the ways in which I behave are consistent with the values I want to convey to and instill in him. And now that he’s starting to repeat things, I have extra incentive to curb my swearing habit.

Being a parent has also opened up a world of connection with other parents, who, it turns out, make up a huge chunk of the population. Suddenly I have experiences in common with the majority of the people I encounter in life. And because parenting really is hard sometimes, I’m less judgmental and more forgiving of other people. I have a better understanding of the ways in which many of the people around me have struggled to give their children the best life possible, the sacrifices they’ve made, the difficult decisions, all out of love for the little people they’ve brought into the world. I better understand my own parents, and events in my own childhood have come into focus through a new lens.

I better appreciate, and make better use of, the free time I do have. I spend most of every evening and weekend with my son, and there’s only so much I can do in the few hours a day when he’s sleeping and I’m awake, so I have to use those hours intentionally. I’ve become better at prioritizing what matters most to me and letting go of the rest.

This focus and efficiency also extends to my work. Before I had a child, if I spent a little too much time chatting or daydreaming during the day, I would just stay a little later at the office to finish whatever had to get done. But now, staying late means sacrificing time with my son. I don’t want to give up family dinners and evening walks unnecessarily, so I work harder to stay on task and manage my time well. I don’t do as many professional enrichment activities as I once did, like attending extra continuing education courses or reading lots of periodicals just because they’re interesting. I try to ask myself, will this bring a tangible benefit? If the answer is no, I move along.

Somewhat unexpectedly, I think I’m more driven and focused in my career path, too. There was a period of time when uncertainty about what my life would look like with kids held me back a bit from taking big risks and making tough decisions. Now, I’m in the middle of it, and there’s no reason to wait. There are occasionally days when I’m exhausted and can only manage to do the minimum, and I completely understand why many mothers want to take a step back and lean out instead of leaning in. But for me, achievement is satisfying and motivating. I know that if I am satisfied with my own life and rewarded in my career, that will benefit my child as well. If I’m happy, he’s more likely to be happy. If I derive personal satisfaction from work, he’s more likely to find joy in his own work in the future. If I earn good money, I’m more likely to be able to provide him with opportunities I didn’t have. I don’t believe that having a lot of money is necessary to give a child a good life and a solid, love-filled upbringing, but at the same time, I would love to be able to give him certain experiences without thinking too much about the cost. Isn’t that what most parents want — to give their kids a life as good as or better than their own? That desire is a powerful motivator.

And finally, baby snuggles: need I say more?

Parents, what are some ways that your children have made your life better and helped you grow as a person?

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