Making Space for Deep Work

- Alexis 1 Comment
Cover of Deep Work by Cal Newport

One of the things I miss most since becoming a mother is having blocks of quiet time to myself to really focus on something — reading, writing, or other creative or intellectual pursuits. Both my job and my hobbies require focused attention. I do a lot of thinking, analyzing, and writing, and those things are hard to do when distracted or in short blocks of time. When I do have quiet time at home (which is usually late in the evening), it’s easy to let my tired mind zone out by watching Netflix or clicking and scrolling online. During the workday, my brain often strays to the numerous little “to-dos” that I have to keep track of: remember to buy more diaper cream, get a birthday gift for so-and-so, pick out a picture day outfit for D, RSVP for the event on Saturday, etc. (This, for those who don’t know, is the mental load that working moms disproportionately carry.) Because I don’t get enough sleep these days, it takes discipline to stay focused on the task and hand and not let my brain run down all these rabbit holes all the time.

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Being Adopted, Part II: Finding the Missing Pieces

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You can read the earlier posts in this series here:

Flowers around a pond at the Denver Botanical Gardens, September 2013

Happy Mother’s Day! I thought this day would be an appropriate time to revisit the topic of my adoption and my two mothers: the one who carried me and gave birth to me, and the one who raised me. After my first two posts on being adopted, I received some feedback that they painted adoption in an overly negative light. To the contrary, adoption is very often the best solution to incredibly difficult problems. The fact that it is an imperfect solution does not mean we should avoid it or that we shouldn’t relish the many joys it brings. I am grateful to both of my mothers for the choices they made and the role they played in my life. I would not have lived the life I have lived, and I would not be the person I am, had it not been for both of these women.

I had always been curious about my biological family. In my early adult years, I took some half-hearted steps toward finding them, like adding my name and birthdate to online registries. It wasn’t until I was 22 or 23, though, that I started really seeking information about them. Read more

Overcoming Difficult Feelings Toward Challenging People In Our Lives

- Alexis 1 Comment

Photo of two people sitting on a cliff overlooking the ocean, with the words “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. —Ian McLaren” superimposed on top of the image

I’ve been struggling lately with some difficult feelings toward a person I can best describe as a frenemy. We’ve been part of a shared circle of friends for many years, but from the beginning there have been aspects of her personality and behavior that have irritated me. We became closer for a period of time, and I thought that she had outgrown some of the things that had bothered me about her. Then we drifted further apart again, and a couple of incidents led me to feel hurt and frustrated by her. (I’m being deliberately vague in describing this person and her perceived crimes both to protect her privacy and because I don’t intend this post to be an airing of grievances against her. I am fairly certain she does not read this blog, though, and most likely will not see this post.)

My attempt to address my legitimate grievances with her directly was not well-met. I had more or less resolved to simply let go of the friendship, but given our mutual friends, that isn’t very feasible. I have no intention of starting some kind of cold war, and I don’t like holding grudges. But I find it very hard to be my best self when interacting with this person. Criticisms and negative feelings seem to bubble to the surface more often than I’d like. That’s not the person I want to be or a state of mind in which I want to live, so I’m trying hard to understand my feelings and change the way I react to her.

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Parenting a Young Child: The Good Stuff

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A toddler crouched down to touch some gravel
My 14-month-old son playing behind our house

If you have children, are thinking of having children, or are at an age where many of your friends have young kids, you are probably bombarded with articles and essays about how difficult parenting is and the toll it takes on parents (especially mothers). News organizations and niche websites are constantly reminding us of how much sleep we lose and how much stress we’re under (while simultaneously piling on heaps of parenting advice, continually reminding us of all the things we should be doing). And it’s true — being responsible for keeping a mostly helpless developing human alive and engaged can be challenging. For example, I spent a substantial part of this past Sunday night listening to my one-year-old uncharacteristically screaming and crying for no discernible reason while I tried unsuccessfully to console him, which made Monday morning even more of a struggle than normal. (The same scene played again on Monday night, so Tuesday was pretty rough too.) Sleep and relaxation are cherished luxuries these days, and I’m carrying the mental load of having to plan and remember a lot more stuff than I once did.

I think there’s a danger, though, in focusing too much on the burdens of raising young kids. Most of us have children because we wanted to have children. Parents are fond of telling expectant parents that they have no idea what they’re in for (“You think you’re tired NOW? Just wait!”), and that may be true to an extent, but it applies just as much to the positives as to the negatives. I’ve heard many a parent say that they never knew they could love someone so fully until they had a child. To counter the rampant complaining about parenting woes circulating the internet, I’d like to take a few minutes to reflect on the ways in which my son has enriched my life and helped me to grow.

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Why We Buy Things We Don’t Need (And How to Stop Making Impulse Purchases)

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Close-up of twenty-dollar bills

Despite my stated intention to embrace a smaller wardrobe and buy less apparel, I’ve been been doing a good bit of online clothes shopping lately. Much of the browsing and clicking feels more habitual or impulsive than intentional. In order to feel more in control of my spending and acquiring, I wanted to try to understand what is driving this behavior, both for me individually and for modern consumers in general.

Lately, my impulse purchases have all been clothes and shoes, and they’ve all been made online. I rarely shop at physical stores anymore, and I don’t feel much of a desire to buy, say, home decor items, sporting goods, or kitchen gadgets. I’ve embraced a less-is-more mindset when it comes to the objects that surround me and fill my physical environment. Why, then, has this mindset not expanded to the objects that adorn my body?

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