I’ve been struggling lately with some difficult feelings toward a person I can best describe as a frenemy. We’ve been part of a shared circle of friends for many years, but from the beginning there have been aspects of her personality and behavior that have irritated me. We became closer for a period of time, and I thought that she had outgrown some of the things that had bothered me about her. Then we drifted further apart again, and a couple of incidents led me to feel hurt and frustrated by her. (I’m being deliberately vague in describing this person and her perceived crimes both to protect her privacy and because I don’t intend this post to be an airing of grievances against her. I am fairly certain she does not read this blog, though, and most likely will not see this post.)

My attempt to address my legitimate grievances with her directly was not well-met. I had more or less resolved to simply let go of the friendship, but given our mutual friends, that isn’t very feasible. I have no intention of starting some kind of cold war, and I don’t like holding grudges. But I find it very hard to be my best self when interacting with this person. Criticisms and negative feelings seem to bubble to the surface more often than I’d like. That’s not the person I want to be or a state of mind in which I want to live, so I’m trying hard to understand my feelings and change the way I react to her.

I suspect that some of my criticisms of her may very well be the result of projecting my own shortcomings onto her. Realizing that is, of course, the first step toward correcting it. I remember reading a few years ago, in a book grounded in Buddhism (whose title and author I’ve unfortunately forgotten), a suggestion for halting projection and seeing difficult people with greater empathy. The author recommended turning our criticisms around on ourselves by replacing the “you” or “she” in critical thoughts with an “I.” So, for example, when I catch myself thinking, “She’s so self-centered,” I would revise that sentence to say, “I’m so self-centered.” I can then reflect on that thought. Do I feel that way about myself? Why? How does hearing that sentence make me feel?

Another strategy that’s been helpful for me at times is to really try to give the person the benefit of the doubt even when I don’t want to. When I’m mad about something she did or didn’t do, I can pause and ask myself, why might she have acted in that way? What might be going on in her life or mind that could have prompted that behavior? What might I not be seeing that would excuse this behavior? The negative feelings that well up inside me act as a wall at times, making it very difficult for me to view my friend as a whole person with her own struggles and vulnerabilities that she isn’t always great at expressing. To restore my empathy towards her, I sometimes have to use my imagination a little, because I don’t know everything that’s happening in her life and mind — far from it.

It helps to remind myself of times when I’ve acted in a similar way, toward her or toward others. I may not like to admit it, but it has happened. I think of the grace other people have shown to me when I failed to treat them the way they deserved to be treated, and of how I felt when people held my unintentional missteps against me. I think about how I’ve grown and matured over the years, how I once thought and behaved differently than I do now, and I remind myself that she, too, may be approaching or in the midst of a period of emotional and spiritual growth. Then, difficult though it may be, I try to extend grace to her.

It’s also good to remember all of her positive qualities, and there are many. Her large circle of friends is a testament to that. She can be very caring and focused on others, and she genuinely tries to make the world a better place. She isn’t perfect — no one is — but she brings a lot of good to her community, and that surely outweighs the things that annoy and frustrate me about her.

What are your strategies for coping with negative emotions triggered by difficult people in your life? How do you manage to extend forgiveness and compassion to them even when it’s challenging? As I’m working through this myself, I would truly appreciate your advice.

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