As we head into the holiday season, I’ve been thinking about family traditions. Growing up, my family didn’t have a lot of traditions, but the ones we did have were meaningful. As an adult reflecting back on my youth, my memories are largely organized around those traditions, and they help me feel more connected to my family.

The traditions I loved the most as a kid were probably Thanksgiving and Easter. We always spent Thanksgiving with my mom’s family. My mom is one of five children, and she and her siblings took turns hosting the Thanksgiving meal each year. With all my aunts, uncles, and cousins, we often had 25-30 people at Thanksgiving. We ate the big meal at lunchtime, and afterward, there was football on the TV and there was usually a card game. Progressive gin was our game of choice, and it took forever, but it was so much fun. We’d exchange gifts since many of us wouldn’t be together on Christmas. I always looked forward to our big Thanksgiving gathering. It was the only time I got to see some of my relatives who lived further away, and it was a highlight of my year.

The fun thing about Easter was the midnight church service. My family was Eastern Orthodox, and while we weren’t regular churchgoers when I was a kid, we always went to the Easter service. I got to stay up way past my bedtime, and there was a part of the service where the congregation processed around the outside of the church holding candles, which I loved. After the service, everyone in attendance shared a big meal together that consisted largely of the things we weren’t supposed to eat during lent (ham and kielbasa were always part of the feast). Easter was the only time of the year that my mom made homemade bread, and the Paska was delicious — sweeter than regular bread. For several years, I gave up chocolate for lent, so the basket usually contained chocolate as well. We’d pack it all into our big Easter basket that evening in anticipation and then unpack it all in the fellowship hall at around 2:00 AM. Excited and bleary-eyed, I’d dig into the delicious food and then reliably fall asleep in the car on the way home.

I no longer attend an Orthodox church, and while I still see some portion of my maternal extended family every Thanksgiving, our gatherings aren’t as large or predictable as they used to be. In the four years we’ve been married, my husband and I haven’t really established any traditions of our own. Now that my son is a toddler, though, I want to establish some annual family rituals that he can look forward to and one day look back on. Family traditions are important in helping kids form an identity and feel included in a tribe. They create shared stories and a shared history that leads to feeling grounded. Like routines such as regular family dinners or weekly game nights, holiday traditions give kids a sense of stability and help them to better weather life’s changes and uncertainties.

I haven’t decided yet exactly what our holiday traditions will be. I’m sure some will develop naturally and they’ll evolve over time. Right now, I intend to put up a Christmas tree every year, fill a stocking for my son, and have him open gifts (not too many) on Christmas morning. Although I’m not religious, I think these are important and fun cultural traditions. I want to continue spending Thanksgiving with my mom’s family for as long as that is feasible. I’d like to create a tradition that involves giving to others, either through volunteer work or donating tangible goods and delivering them as a family. As my son gets a little older, it might be fun to start a yearly cookie-baking tradition, or to attend our town’s annual tree lighting event. We might make a tradition of driving around to look at light displays while listening to Christmas music. Maybe we’ll have a Christmas eve stories and hot chocolate by the fireplace tradition. Perhaps we’ll go for a Christmas day or New Year’s Day hike.

In our society, mothers tend to be the planners and keepers of most family holiday traditions. In the age of Instagram and Pinterest, it’s tempting to try to create the perfect holiday traditions for our families or to try to do too many things. I don’t want myself or anyone else to feel too much pressure around these things. In keeping with the overall simplification of my calendar and home, I want to be careful not to get too wrapped up in trying to make everything perfect. Traditions aren’t about perfection, and they aren’t about creating photo-worthy moments. They’re simply about coming together as a family in a consistent, enjoyable, “this is what we do” way that we can both anticipate and remember.

I’d love to hear about your family’s traditions. What do you remember most fondly from your childhood? Have you carried the traditions of your youth into adulthood? Have you established new traditions with your kids, spouse, or chosen family? Please tell us your stories in the comments.

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