Parenting a Young Child: The Good Stuff

A toddler crouched down to touch some gravel
My 14-month-old son playing behind our house

If you have children, are thinking of having children, or are at an age where many of your friends have young kids, you are probably bombarded with articles and essays about how difficult parenting is and the toll it takes on parents (especially mothers). News organizations and niche websites are constantly reminding us of how much sleep we lose and how much stress we’re under (while simultaneously piling on heaps of parenting advice, continually reminding us of all the things we should be doing). And it’s true — being responsible for keeping a mostly helpless developing human alive and engaged can be challenging. For example, I spent a substantial part of this past Sunday night listening to my one-year-old uncharacteristically screaming and crying for no discernible reason while I tried unsuccessfully to console him, which made Monday morning even more of a struggle than normal. (The same scene played again on Monday night, so Tuesday was pretty rough too.) Sleep and relaxation are cherished luxuries these days, and I’m carrying the mental load of having to plan and remember a lot more stuff than I once did.

I think there’s a danger, though, in focusing too much on the burdens of raising young kids. Most of us have children because we wanted to have children. Parents are fond of telling expectant parents that they have no idea what they’re in for (“You think you’re tired NOW? Just wait!”), and that may be true to an extent, but it applies just as much to the positives as to the negatives. I’ve heard many a parent say that they never knew they could love someone so fully until they had a child. To counter the rampant complaining about parenting woes circulating the internet, I’d like to take a few minutes to reflect on the ways in which my son has enriched my life and helped me to grow.

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Taking My Own Advice

Yellow wildflowers in Southern California

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you might be under the impression that I am some wise, blissful, perfectly balanced person who has life all figured out. Well, let me assure you, I do not always have it all together. I’m stumbling through life just like everyone else, striving to be the best version of myself, and constantly reevaluating my priorities and goals.

Sometimes I go back through my old writings in an effort to get myself back on track and remember what I was thinking during moments of clarity. The truth is that I often need to reiterate my guiding principles to myself, because it can be easy to fall back into old habits and thought patterns. This is why, I think, many religious people read passages of scripture daily — if we want to live out our values, it helps to continually review them and keep them top of mind. The beauty of writing on a regular basis is that it allows me not only to see how far I’ve come, but to recognize patterns in my thinking and behavior and to hold myself accountable for doing the things I said I would do.

Lately, I’ve found myself especially in need of some reminders. So I’ve looked back to past posts and rounded up some sage advice from past me to present me. Here’s some of what I’ve needed to hear recently:

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Settling Into Equilibrium: Some Thoughts on Balance

Ghost print, monotype, rumpled fabric

Finding balance in modern life is a topic written about with such frequency that I’ve begun to roll my eyes whenever I see a piece with the words “work-life balance” in the title. I hope you’ll indulge me as I again explore this topic about which so much has already been said. Like Sheryl Sandberg, I dislike the phrase “work-life balance” because it implies that work and life are separate and exclusive domains. To paraphrase Sandberg, who could ever feel good about work when it’s billed as the opposite of life?

Work is but one aspect of life, and it’s an important element. It helps to give meaning to life, to give us purpose, to keep us striving and feeling the thrill of accomplishments (in the best scenario, anyway). I am happiest when I’m industrious and can see the fruits of my labor. Someone once told me that they view life as a four-quadrant matrix made up of family and friendships, profession, health and fitness, and spirituality. At any given time, one of the quadrants may demand more of your attention than the others, but to live our best lives, we have to attend to all of them regularly. I picture the quadrants on the top of one of those toys that you can spin and push in any direction and it will always return to standing. Sometimes one quadrant will be up while another is down, and some teetering may happen, but the four areas will all eventually balance each other and keep the toy steady.

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Being Adopted, Part I: An Incomplete Self

Charcoal drawing of a seated and smiling mother and child
Mother and Child, 2004.

I learned I was adopted when I was four years old. My parents didn’t mean to tell me yet, but someone else told me and I asked them about it. They did intend to tell me eventually, but I don’t know that they had decided when the perfect time would be.

Four was as good an age as any. The news wasn’t shocking or devastating. I understood the basic premise: my biological mother couldn’t care for me, and my birth parents couldn’t have children but wanted a child, so I became theirs. I thought it was kind of a cool story, something that made me special and different. As a four-year-old, I didn’t really have the emotional capacity to delve beneath the surface of this new information. Over the years, what it means to be adopted would gradually unfold, coloring all aspects of my life and personality. Thirty years later, I’m still learning how it affects me.

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Being Adopted, Introduction: The Primal Wound

Photo of a statue of a woman holding a child

I haven’t written about it much here, so you may not know that I was adopted as an infant. I’m usually surprised when I find out that someone in my life doesn’t know this about me, because it’s a pretty damn big part of my identity.

For 30 years now, I’ve known I was adopted, and my feelings about that fact as well as the importance I’ve placed on it have varied quite a bit throughout my life. At times, I’ve thought and talked about it a lot, and at other times, I’ve treated it like it was no big deal. But I’m beginning to realize, with the help of a therapist, just how big of a deal it really is.

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