I opened up Jean Chatzky’s weekly HerMoney newsletter yesterday to see an article called “6 Things You’re Unintentionally Doing (Or Saying) In the Workplace That Could be Holding You Back in Your Career.” Career advice articles abound on the internet, and when I clicked on the article, I figured it would probably contain the same kind of trite advice I’ve read over and over again. To my surprise, though, the first tip really resonated with me, and it’s not one I recall seeing in a workplace advice piece before:

It’s important to let people form their own opinions of you versus feeding them the negative information playing in your own head. “It’s really negative and detrimental to sort of put yourself down before giving anyone a chance to like you and think you’re great…  So [steer clear of] any kind of statements that say, ‘Oh I know I’m not very smart, but… or I know I’m a recent graduate so I don’t have a lot of experience,” says Lindsey Pollack, author of “THE REMIX: How to Lead and Succeed in the Multigenerational Workplace.” “There’s no reason to call out your own insecurities in the workplace.” On the flip side, Pollack stresses how important it is to be your own advocate. This doesn’t mean you have to be in your boss’ face about how great you are.  But let your actions speak for themselves and provide additional, positive input when appropriate.

Let that first part sink in for a minute. It’s referring to a kind of self-sabotage that plagues so many people in all areas of our lives. Even if you don’t have a very high opinion of yourself and your abilities, there’s no need to convey your perceived shortcomings to others (in the workplace or in life in general) because… drumroll… they might not be real. In fact, they probably aren’t. There’s a good chance that the negative stories you believe about yourself have little to no objective basis. Your inner critic is a liar. Others can observe you and your actions and form assessments that are based in reality, and if you’re lucky enough to have them communicate those assessments to you, it can be a life-changing reality check.

We create so much drama for ourselves simply by believing our inner dialogue. We unquestioningly accept our inner critic’s put-downs as true. They’re not. Many of us are so much harder on ourselves than we are on other people. We would never say the things to others that we mentally say to ourselves over and over. We wouldn’t think these things, either, if we were viewing ourselves from the position of a detached observer. Yet we rarely pause to question that little voice in our head.

At various points in my life, my inner critic has had me believing the following stories:

• I’m bad with money
• I’m lazy
• I’m not very disciplined
• I never stick with anything
• I’m unattractive
• I’m not very creative or original
• I’m needy
• I’m unqualified
• I’m fat
• I’m too outspoken and nobody cares what I have to say
• I’m selfish

Etcetera, etcetera. Thankfully, I’ve learned to reject these messages and have seen them for the BS that they are, although some of them still creep up for me from time to time. I have to be vigilant about them, recognize them for what they are — stories and poor self-protection mechanisms, rather than truth — and then set them aside and go about my business.

I’m not suggesting that we are all perfect and that any self-critical thoughts we have are always bogus. Of course, we all have things we could be working to improve about ourselves, and sometimes we know deep down that we didn’t do our best and rightfully feel disappointed in ourselves. I’m talking about that inner broken record — the one that replays the same negative thoughts about ourselves over and over and over again. These are the messages that feel like unfaltering truths about who we are. These unhelpful falsehoods read as character flaws, things that we can’t change — we convince ourselves that we are defective and never good enough. And we don’t even realize that these beliefs are total crap made up by our minds, subconsciously directing how we live our lives.

Often, positive feedback from others has helped me to realize that these nagging inner criticisms are not reality. But had I conveyed my own negative self-beliefs to others, they may very well have come to see things my way, and I may have lost those opportunities to set myself straight. Rather than gaining evidence that disproved my beliefs, I likely would have received “proof” that confirmed them, along the lines of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you tell others that you’re lazy and undisciplined, they’ll treat you that way, and then you’ll act that way, and then you’ll become what you thought you were anyway.

So instead, why not fake it ’til you make it and present yourself to others as you wish you were, even if you don’t see yourself that way? I’m not suggesting that you be inauthentic, just that you be the best version of yourself and see where it takes you. Consider reality-checking your negative self-thoughts on others close to you and see what they have to say about your self-assessments. Or solicit feedback at work in a way that doesn’t presuppose what the feedback will be, and see whether you gain any insights that are at odds with your own self-image. Ask people what you’re doing well, and see what they tell you. I would guess that people view you much more favorably than you expect. Use their feedback to revise your own self-image, and lean into what they see as the best things about you. You might just grow to love yourself as you never have before, and it will show in your work and your interactions with others.

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