From the time I was in middle school until my early thirties, it seemed I was always busy. My evenings and weekends were usually filled with organized activities. Often I was the one organizing them. At my tiny college, more than once I heard the comment that the same students were involved in all the organizations. If they did one thing, they did everything. I was one of those students. I managed to stay slightly less busy than some of my friends (particularly the ones who were also athletes), but my color-coded weekly schedule had little visible space.

All these organized activities were, on the whole, enjoyable. For the most part, they energized me and gave me a sense of purpose. They padded my resume and school applications. They formed the basis of my social life. When I moved to a new town, they were how I met people and kept from sitting at home by myself all the time and becoming lonely.

But they also caused me stress on a fairly frequent basis. They competed for my attention and pulled it away from other important things like my career and family. They kept me from reflecting and from doing the deep inner work that I needed to do. These constant obligations had a way of keeping me in a reactive mode, responding to others’ desires and priorities, rather than being intentional about how I wanted to use my precious time and how I wanted to spend my life. I was well-rounded, but unfocused.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing during a certain stage of life. The teen years and extended adolescence are meant for exploring, figuring out what we want, making mistakes and finding our way, at least as contemporary Americans conceive of that life phase. But at some point, I think it’s important to step back and unbusy ourselves so that we can be sure we have our priorities in order. That means figuring out what and who truly makes us shine from within and focusing our days and energy on those pursuits and people. Because both our days and our energy are, of course, limited, and we too often lose sight of the finite nature of our time.

The process of unbusying oneself isn’t as easy as it might seem. It isn’t just a simple matter of removing all your commitments and becoming lazy. When you’re used to a structured schedule and a million things to do, learning how best to use your now-free time can be a challenge. There’s a temptation to spend it doing busywork, catching up on all the chores, getting extra sleep, making up for missed workouts. Those choices can be beneficial, but if you aren’t careful, you’ll end up with a sparkling-clean house, well-groomed lawn, fit body, and still without the slightest idea of what’s really important to you or what you want to do with your life.

Then there’s the challenge of sitting quietly with your thoughts. When fewer tasks occupy your mind, you may find that your inner voice becomes louder. Sometimes that inner voice is saying things that are neither nice nor productive. So then you must choose between attempting to drown it out with new external obligations or instead figuring out a way to unpack what it’s saying, get to the source of those internalized beliefs, and reprogram that messaging.

Sometimes life events provide handy excuses for deobligating ourselves — a move, a new job, a baby. They can make it easier to let go of things that are no longer serving us. But to really transform our lives, we have to do it intentionally and consciously. Otherwise we’ll just end up re-filling the white space with more obligations brought about by our new circumstances. Saying no isn’t always easy. Walking away isn’t always easy. But if you make the decision to build more space into your weeks and remain steadfast in that decision, you will be free to say yes to the best opportunities, the ones that fully align with who you are now and where you want to go. You’ll have the time and space to craft a life in which you truly thrive.

Here are some of the things that happened when I freed up a significant amount of space in my schedule:

1. I grew calmer. Not all at once, but eventually, when I realized I had plenty of time to do the things I needed to do, I began to breathe easier. I became less rushed, and I don’t overreact as much. I discovered the ability to be spontaneous again, at least as much as one can with a young child. Time feels more abundant, and everyday tasks feel less pressing.
2. I became a better friend. I have more time and mental energy to make thoughtful gestures, write notes, plan visits, and make phone calls. There is more space in my mind and life for the people I hold dear. I let go of a couple of strained relationships that had reached the end of their life cycle so that I could focus more on the ones I really value.
3. I quieted my inner critic. I started by really listening to what my critic was saying and recognizing its agenda. I went to therapy. I tuned into old traumas and worked to understand unproductive patterns. I made an effort to replace unhelpful inner dialogue with positive affirmations. The foregoing sentences should really be stated in the present tense, because I’m still in the process of doing these things. But I’m getting there, and while it’s difficult sometimes, I feel more at peace and on my way to thriving.
4. I developed a clear vision for my career. I started law school with pretty much no clue what I wanted to do as a lawyer. I entertained various ideas throughout my first few jobs, some within the legal field and some in other areas. But the actions I took were largely dictated by what other people said I should do. It was only within the past year that I finally felt a strong conviction about my life’s work. I’m committed to my career choice and I know what I want to do next. It’s a great feeling. And I have the time to do all the research, planning, and connection-making that will get me to where I want to go.
5. I listen to my body more. I notice how my diet and lifestyle choices make me feel, and I’m making healthier decisions. I can tell when I need to rest, and I do so without feeling guilty. I recognize the likely psychosomatic origins of certain past ailments. I’m taking better care of my health, holistically. I have the time to plan and prepare healthful meals, exercise, and get enough sleep, and I feel better for it.
6. I’m more capable of being present. When I’m not thinking about a dozen other things I need to do, I’m better able to focus in the present moment. When I know I have time in my schedule and reminders in place to be sure I do what needs to get done, I don’t have to worry or hold lots of thoughts in my mind, and I can more fully enjoy what I’m experiencing in the moment. This makes the limited time I spend with my son feel more expansive and satisfying. In general, I’m happier when I’m more present and time seems to slow down because I’m actually experiencing life fully as I’m living it. For one who seems constantly aware of the brevity of life, this is a huge benefit.
7. I’m reconnecting with my spiritual side. Those who know me well know that I’m not a religious person, but I have a rich inner life, which is how Krista Tippett defines spirituality. The metaphysical rarely resonates with my logical mind, yet I find philosophy fascinating and often ponder the meaning of life and the moral principles that should guide it. I have more time now to read spiritual texts, consider the view of great thinkers and teachers, and meditate. I spend more time in quiet contemplation these days, and I can see it positively affecting my mood and interactions with others.

Do you feel burdened by your busy lifestyle, or have you made an effort to unbusy yourself? What benefits have you witnessed as you’ve become less busy? Please share your experiences in the comments.

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