Now that I’m back at work post-maternity-leave, well-meaning friends, family members, and colleagues ask me how it’s going, often with a look of sympathy in their eyes.  I think some of them expect me to say I’m exhausted or I wish I could stay at home.  Several have voiced their assumptions in the form of questions: It’s tough, isn’t it?  Don’t you just want to cry when you get those texts with pictures of your little one?

Well, no. I can honestly say that in the month that I’ve been back in the office, I have not once cried over being away from my child during the day.  And so far, for me, being a working parent really isn’t much more difficult than being a working person without a child.  Both scenarios require some planning and prioritizing, but both are, in my mind, equally manageable.

This sentiment may come as a surprise, and it may even be an unpopular point of view.  It certainly isn’t the narrative that is typically conveyed in the many, many articles, books, and blog posts on working motherhood and work-life balance.  Working mothers are often said to feel as though they are never good enough in either realm — when they’re at work, they feel guilty about not doing more at home, and when they’re at home, they feel guilty about not doing more at work.  I don’t feel that way.

I get the questions and the assumptions.  Before I had a child, I repeatedly inquired about these issues.  From the beginning of law school, I was inundated with the message that being a lawyer, particularly in a law firm, is really difficult, especially for women and mothers.  I was led to believe I’d be expected to work all the time, leaving little time for family and personal pursuits, until I burned out and left the profession.  I was advised that the wisest course of action would be to take a state government job that paid half as much as what I’d make at a decent sized law firm because it would be easier, with better hours and less stress.  When this negative attitude is so pervasive, it’s no wonder many women remove themselves from contention for the most prestigious and well-paying positions.

Unfortunately, like many young women, I internalized the fatalistic messaging more than I probably should have.  I passed up some good opportunities because I feared they wouldn’t allow me to find that elusive “balance.”  I spent too much mental energy worrying about what would happen to my career once I had children.  I’ve watched other women make the same mistake, and not just in the legal field.  Though it’s brought about positive changes in some organizations and industries, all the talk about work-life balance has also led a number of women to be too preoccupied with a problem that for many of them might not be as much of an issue as they fear.

Yes, there are some jobs out there that truly require one to work in excess of 80 hours every week, but I believe those jobs are few and far between.  Research has shown that most people who say they work really long hours are either overestimating or lying, and most people with demanding jobs only work around 50-55 hours a week — not nothing, but not that bad.  If you use your time wisely and efficiently, a 50-hour workweek still allows for quite a bit of family time.  Managing everything may not always be easy, but it isn’t impossible.  Having a rewarding career, being a good mother, and being happy are not mutually exclusive — they can all coexist, and often do.

I work not only to support my family financially, but because I derive satisfaction from my job.  I’m good at what I do and I like to think that my work is important.  I work on cases that have a real impact on the lives of the people involved and that sometimes have wider implications beyond the cases at issue.

I love my son very much, but I do not desire to spend all day, every day with him.  I think I’d find that both exhausting and a little boring.  I have nothing against stay-at-home moms, and I fully understand that some women love being full-time caretakers.  Some choose to stay at home because of the financial burden of child care or for other perfectly valid reasons.  As Amy Poehler would say, good for them, not for me.

I realize that I have it easier than many working moms.  My kid is still in diapers, so I don’t yet have to figure out a way to shuttle him around to various activities, and I only have one child at this point.  I have a job with predictable hours and some flexibility, and a supportive boss who understands that sometimes, things will come up.  But looking back on my former law firm jobs, which were more demanding in terms of time, I think I could have juggled my professional life with parenthood.  I had some very busy weeks, to be sure, but not every week was busy.  I spent a significant amount of time on hobbies, volunteer work, social groups, and dating.  I see no reason why those hours couldn’t be redirected toward child-focused activities.  Truth be told, I also wasn’t very efficient back then and didn’t prioritize as well as I do now, mostly because I didn’t have to.  I find having a child to be a great motivator in that regard.

I have a number of friends who excel at their careers while being fantastic mothers.  These women are lawyers, scientists, business women, and doctors.  They are doing great work, and they, too, find their work satisfying.  They may not always feel like their lives are in perfect equilibrium, but generally speaking, they aren’t frazzled or miserable either.  I’m grateful for these role models and wish I’d been more attuned earlier in my career to examples of women who make it work without beating themselves up.  After all, children of working mothers do just fine — there is really no need for guilt.

I don’t mean to give the impression that I am managing my life flawlessly and never dropping any balls.  Sometimes the clean laundry sits in the basket for a week until I get a chance to put it away.  I don’t always exercise as much as I should.  But that was also the case before I became a mother, and it isn’t the end of the world.  The key, I think, is to let go of perfectionist tendencies.  You don’t have to be a perfect homemaker to be a good mother, nor do you need to attend every single one of your kids’ events.  There are tradeoffs, but that’s true for everyone.

I get a little annoyed when I see memes espousing some version of the idea that on your death bed, you won’t regret not spending more time working, but you will regret not spending more time with family.  I think that cliche paints an incomplete picture.  I suspect I would be a little disappointed in myself if I reached my final days and felt as though I hadn’t lived up to my potential or done anything of consequence.  Achievement is important to me, and there’s nothing wrong with that.  I want to live a full life, one that includes both rich familial relationships and a rewarding career.

I hope that young women reading this will come to realize that despite what the media and society tell us, we really can have it all — it just depends on how you define “it all” and the boundaries you set.  Let go of the things that don’t really matter and ask for what you need.  You’re smart, hardworking, and creative — you can find a way to make all the pieces fit and create a life you love.

For some great insight into this topic, I recommend the book I Know How She Does It by Laura Vanderkam (whose other books include 128 Hours and the newly released Off the Clock) and CorporetteMoms’ A Week in the Life of a Working Mom series of blog posts.

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