The Beauty of the Brain Dump

The Pacific Ocean at dusk from a Malibu-area beach

Spring is my favorite season. The longer days and warmer weather lead to very noticeable improvements in my energy level, mood, and overall life satisfaction. Suddenly I seem to need less sleep, and I can actually do things in the evenings.

These changes have been particularly welcome this year because I have a lot of things to do right now. As I’ve previously written, I’ve made a big effort to unbusy myself by making fewer commitments and really prioritizing the things that matter most while saying no to the rest. Nevertheless, as a parent of a young child with a full-time career outside the home, things get busy sometimes. There are only so many hours in the day, and inevitably there are multiple tasks and desires competing for the few hours that aren’t devoted to work, commuting, child care, and sleep. When work becomes busier than usual and spills into the early morning and evening hours, squeezing the time available for chores, relationships, and hobbies, I can start to feeling like I’m jumping from one task to the next from the time I rise until the time I go to bed, with no time to reflect or plan. While the adrenaline produced by that lifestyle can be energizing, constantly reacting to immediate demands is not an ideal state of functioning for the long term.

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Taking My Own Advice

Yellow wildflowers in Southern California

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you might be under the impression that I am some wise, blissful, perfectly balanced person who has life all figured out. Well, let me assure you, I do not always have it all together. I’m stumbling through life just like everyone else, striving to be the best version of myself, and constantly reevaluating my priorities and goals.

Sometimes I go back through my old writings in an effort to get myself back on track and remember what I was thinking during moments of clarity. The truth is that I often need to reiterate my guiding principles to myself, because it can be easy to fall back into old habits and thought patterns. This is why, I think, many religious people read passages of scripture daily — if we want to live out our values, it helps to continually review them and keep them top of mind. The beauty of writing on a regular basis is that it allows me not only to see how far I’ve come, but to recognize patterns in my thinking and behavior and to hold myself accountable for doing the things I said I would do.

Lately, I’ve found myself especially in need of some reminders. So I’ve looked back to past posts and rounded up some sage advice from past me to present me. Here’s some of what I’ve needed to hear recently:

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7 Big Benefits of Being Less Busy

Tablet, keyboard, and mug on picnic table in screened porch

From the time I was in middle school until my early thirties, it seemed I was always busy. My evenings and weekends were usually filled with organized activities. Often I was the one organizing them. At my tiny college, more than once I heard the comment that the same students were involved in all the organizations. If they did one thing, they did everything. I was one of those students. I managed to stay slightly less busy than some of my friends (particularly the ones who were also athletes), but my color-coded weekly schedule had little visible space.

All these organized activities were, on the whole, enjoyable. For the most part, they energized me and gave me a sense of purpose. They padded my resume and school applications. They formed the basis of my social life. When I moved to a new town, they were how I met people and kept from sitting at home by myself all the time and becoming lonely.

But they also caused me stress on a fairly frequent basis. They competed for my attention and pulled it away from other important things like my career and family. They kept me from reflecting and from doing the deep inner work that I needed to do. These constant obligations had a way of keeping me in a reactive mode, responding to others’ desires and priorities, rather than being intentional about how I wanted to use my precious time and how I wanted to spend my life. I was well-rounded, but unfocused.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing during a certain stage of life. The teen years and extended adolescence are meant for exploring, figuring out what we want, making mistakes and finding our way, at least as contemporary Americans conceive of that life phase. But at some point, I think it’s important to step back and unbusy ourselves so that we can be sure we have our priorities in order. That means figuring out what and who truly makes us shine from within and focusing our days and energy on those pursuits and people. Because both our days and our energy are, of course, limited, and we too often lose sight of the finite nature of our time.

The process of unbusying oneself isn’t as easy as it might seem. It isn’t just a simple matter of removing all your commitments and becoming lazy. When you’re used to a structured schedule and a million things to do, learning how best to use your now-free time can be a challenge. There’s a temptation to spend it doing busywork, catching up on all the chores, getting extra sleep, making up for missed workouts. Those choices can be beneficial, but if you aren’t careful, you’ll end up with a sparkling-clean house, well-groomed lawn, fit body, and still without the slightest idea of what’s really important to you or what you want to do with your life.

Then there’s the challenge of sitting quietly with your thoughts. When fewer tasks occupy your mind, you may find that your inner voice becomes louder. Sometimes that inner voice is saying things that are neither nice nor productive. So then you must choose between attempting to drown it out with new external obligations or instead figuring out a way to unpack what it’s saying, get to the source of those internalized beliefs, and reprogram that messaging.

Sometimes life events provide handy excuses for deobligating ourselves — a move, a new job, a baby. They can make it easier to let go of things that are no longer serving us. But to really transform our lives, we have to do it intentionally and consciously. Otherwise we’ll just end up re-filling the white space with more obligations brought about by our new circumstances. Saying no isn’t always easy. Walking away isn’t always easy. But if you make the decision to build more space into your weeks and remain steadfast in that decision, you will be free to say yes to the best opportunities, the ones that fully align with who you are now and where you want to go. You’ll have the time and space to craft a life in which you truly thrive.

Here are some of the things that happened when I freed up a significant amount of space in my schedule:

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Goals and Resolutions for 2019

New Year’s Eve/Day has always been one of my favorite holidays. It’s an occasion to reflect on what has been and look forward to what will be, to process the past and leave it behind before making a fresh start. I love the hope that January 1 brings. Now that the winter solstice is behind us, I find myself getting exited about the days growing longer, the weather getting warmer, and all the adventures that lie ahead.

2018 was a year of transition for me, and also a year of joy. I spent most of the year settling into parenthood and finding a new normal, so until very recently, I haven’t been setting many goals or tackling new challenges (aside from the big and obvious challenges of caring for an infant and managing to keep the machinery of life chugging along). I now feel ready to reprioritize some of my former goals and begin moving forward again.

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Ask Alexis: How Do I Avoid the Social Media Comparison Trap?

Painting of statuette reflected in mirror

A reader sent me this question: 

How do you get on Facebook and not feel insecure when you see pictures of classmates who now have bigger houses/better jobs/more children/more money, etc.?

Great question, and a problem that I’m sure many of us struggle with.  First, some data:

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