Tag: Psychology

The Beauty of the Brain Dump

- Alexis 2 Comments
The Pacific Ocean at dusk from a Malibu-area beach

Spring is my favorite season. The longer days and warmer weather lead to very noticeable improvements in my energy level, mood, and overall life satisfaction. Suddenly I seem to need less sleep, and I can actually do things in the evenings.

These changes have been particularly welcome this year because I have a lot of things to do right now. As I’ve previously written, I’ve made a big effort to unbusy myself by making fewer commitments and really prioritizing the things that matter most while saying no to the rest. Nevertheless, as a parent of a young child with a full-time career outside the home, things get busy sometimes. There are only so many hours in the day, and inevitably there are multiple tasks and desires competing for the few hours that aren’t devoted to work, commuting, child care, and sleep. When work becomes busier than usual and spills into the early morning and evening hours, squeezing the time available for chores, relationships, and hobbies, I can start to feeling like I’m jumping from one task to the next from the time I rise until the time I go to bed, with no time to reflect or plan. While the adrenaline produced by that lifestyle can be energizing, constantly reacting to immediate demands is not an ideal state of functioning for the long term.

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Being Adopted, Part I: An Incomplete Self

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Charcoal drawing of a seated and smiling mother and child
Mother and Child, 2004.

I learned I was adopted when I was four years old. My parents didn’t mean to tell me yet, but someone else told me and I asked them about it. They did intend to tell me eventually, but I don’t know that they had decided when the perfect time would be.

Four was as good an age as any. The news wasn’t shocking or devastating. I understood the basic premise: my biological mother couldn’t care for me, and my birth parents couldn’t have children but wanted a child, so I became theirs. I thought it was kind of a cool story, something that made me special and different. As a four-year-old, I didn’t really have the emotional capacity to delve beneath the surface of this new information. Over the years, what it means to be adopted would gradually unfold, coloring all aspects of my life and personality. Thirty years later, I’m still learning how it affects me.

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Being Adopted, Introduction: The Primal Wound

- Alexis 2 Comments
Photo of a statue of a woman holding a child

I haven’t written about it much here, so you may not know that I was adopted as an infant. I’m usually surprised when I find out that someone in my life doesn’t know this about me, because it’s a pretty damn big part of my identity.

For 30 years now, I’ve known I was adopted, and my feelings about that fact as well as the importance I’ve placed on it have varied quite a bit throughout my life. At times, I’ve thought and talked about it a lot, and at other times, I’ve treated it like it was no big deal. But I’m beginning to realize, with the help of a therapist, just how big of a deal it really is.

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Can Minimalism, Mindfulness, and Gratitude Save You From Hedonic Adaptation?

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A rocky beach with blue water and a clear blue sky

Have you ever felt unsatisfied even though you know that what you have is exactly what you once wanted? There’s a term for that: hedonic adaptation. It refers to how the momentary happiness of something new wears off quickly, and we adjust to our changed circumstances. The thing we wanted becomes normal and unexciting once we have it for a while.

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On Matrescence, the Transition into Motherhood

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Photo of the author holding a baby and looking into the distance

A few days ago, I stumbled across a New York Times article from last year called The Birth of a Mother.  The piece discusses matrescence — the transition into motherhood — and some of the common emotional challenges experienced by new mothers.  I could relate to much of what was in the article, particularly the part about ambivalence.

In my experience, few new mothers talk about these things openly.  Our society tends to focus far more on the baby than the mother, and once birth has occurred, we expect mothers (and fathers) to be themselves again in no time.  Many women internalize these unrealistic expectations, and they hide the disappointment they inevitably feel because they believe they are supposed to be feeling pure joy.

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