How to Love Your Life

I typed this list into my phone early one morning while I was laying in bed and had a moment of clarity. It was 7:14 AM on Monday, January 16, 2017, Martin Luther King Day, before I was a mother and almost exactly a week after I started this blog. I don’t recall exactly, but I think I was writing this list as a guide for myself, based on lessons I’d learned but of which I sometimes needed reminding. It wasn’t well thought-out and I haven’t edited it, but I think it contains some gems of wisdom that are worth sharing, even if I don’t always follow all of these suggestions myself. You’ll probably notice themes that have appeared in other posts I’ve written.

How to Love your Life:

Be grateful for what you have

Get comfortable in your own skin; appreciate what your body does for you and realize that there’s no such thing as perfect 

Forgive yourself for your past decisions and actions; understand that things you did and said in your youth were influenced by childhood experiences

Remember that this is the only life you get and it can end at any moment

Go to therapy. If you aren’t already living a life you love, you can probably benefit from talking to a therapist. There are likely things holding you back that you don’t realize. A therapist can help you see them and work through them. 

Do something to benefit others

Make time for your hobbies. If you don’t currently have a hobby, think about what you loved doing when you were younger, or try something new.

Try something new. Variety, adventure.

Realize that your reactions to other people often say more about you than about them. When someone frustrates you, angers you, or annoys you, ask yourself why. Are your reactions valid? Are they based on objective truths? Does your response benefit anyone, or will it only make you and others feel worse?

To this I would add: If you aren’t living a life you love right now, make a change. It could be a big, scary change that will really shake things up, but even a small change will do. Just don’t allow yourself to stay stuck for too long. Your time here is limited, and really, what’s the worst that could happen if pursue the most amazing life you can imagine for yourself?

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask “What if I fall?”
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

― Erin Hanson

Thanks, as always, for reading. If you enjoyed this post, please share.

Overcoming Difficult Feelings Toward Challenging People In Our Lives

Photo of two people sitting on a cliff overlooking the ocean, with the words “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. —Ian McLaren” superimposed on top of the image

I’ve been struggling lately with some difficult feelings toward a person I can best describe as a frenemy. We’ve been part of a shared circle of friends for many years, but from the beginning there have been aspects of her personality and behavior that have irritated me. We became closer for a period of time, and I thought that she had outgrown some of the things that had bothered me about her. Then we drifted further apart again, and a couple of incidents led me to feel hurt and frustrated by her. (I’m being deliberately vague in describing this person and her perceived crimes both to protect her privacy and because I don’t intend this post to be an airing of grievances against her. I am fairly certain she does not read this blog, though, and most likely will not see this post.)

My attempt to address my legitimate grievances with her directly was not well-met. I had more or less resolved to simply let go of the friendship, but given our mutual friends, that isn’t very feasible. I have no intention of starting some kind of cold war, and I don’t like holding grudges. But I find it very hard to be my best self when interacting with this person. Criticisms and negative feelings seem to bubble to the surface more often than I’d like. That’s not the person I want to be or a state of mind in which I want to live, so I’m trying hard to understand my feelings and change the way I react to her.

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My Parents’ Parenting

Line drawing of a mother embracing her young daughter

A friend who has two young children asked me to write about some positive things my parents did when I was a child that have shaped who I am today.  So many things contribute to why we are the way we are, from genetics to early friendships to traumatic experiences in our youth, but there’s no denying that our parents’ choices, behaviors, and attitudes have a significant impact on the people we become.  Reflecting on our childhoods is valuable for all of us, and it holds particular value for me at this moment, as I prepare to become a parent. Read more

Making Apologies

Pencil sketch of two people standing a few feet apart

The Grammar Girl podcast did a great show this week on how to write an apology.  For a while now, I’ve been meaning to write a post about making tough apologies, so I thought I’d piggyback on Grammar Girl’s discussion.  The show advised listeners to avoid four kinds of non-apologies (the “if” apology, the passive voice apology, the reverse apology, and the florid fauxpology) and to follow a formula for apologizing effectively:

  • Acknowledge the offense clearly
  • Explain it effectively
  • Restore the offended parties’ dignity
  • Assure them they’re safe from a repeat offense
  • Express shame and humility
  • Make appropriate reparation

(Credit to Dr. Aaron Lazare and his book On Apology.)

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Rethinking Regret

Black and white profile photo of the author sitting on a porch in Kauai
Photo by E.

This week, Hidden Brain, one of my favorite podcasts-slash-public-radio-programs, explored the topic of regret with a researcher and head of an academic “regret lab.”  The program discussed the various positive and negative consequences of regret.

I think I’ve reached a point in my life when I’m able to put most of my regrets to rest.  Yes, there are opportunities I missed, chances I wish I’d taken, different paths I could have chosen, and times I acted selfishly or treated others poorly.  The last category is, of course, the hardest to get over, because it’s regret combined with guilt.  But we can’t undo what we’ve done in the past, and at some point we have to forgive ourselves and commit to behaving better in the future, now that we know better.

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